101 Uses for a Dead Goat

Hello, dear readers...

I am afraid that my column is very brief this month, and, well, this makes me afraid! For my life! I am sure you know by now that Jillithe the witch seems to think of me as some kind of plaything or slave - She decreed that I had to write this column, and I must have chosen the name "Abby" because I wanted to be an advice columnist - I did not choose the name! It is my name! At any rate, I have to write the column, and if it does not meet her standards, well, you don't want to know what she has threatened me with! I am therefore quite afraid this month because I only received one letter all month! I am glad to know that my fellow mortals are leading such untroubled lives, but it looks like I will have to fill this column with my own troubles because of this! So please, please, share any of your problems with me and I will be more than happy to help!

You can reach me by mudmail, or even email (abby@mud2.com). Please help!

Here's this month's ONLY letter...

Dear Abby,

Please help! I have become completely addicted to mobile bashes, but mostly they are failures. The thing is I love killing the repulsive creatures in our glorious land and am most gratified when the land is rid of their foul stench so that we have a nice clean land in which to roam, and play with. But unfortunately on most occasions I and my fellow players are unable to kill all of the mobiles, and this troubles me rather deeply.


Troubled Basher

Dear Basher,

Ahhh, mobile bashes. The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat. I have participated in my share of unsuccessful mobile bashes, and let me tell you - it's EVERYONE ELSE's fault! Really though! I remember more than one occasion in which myself and others were running madly about the Land, slaughtering everything in sight... We cut down every dwarf and bird and goblin, and soon discovered that while WE had been doing all this work, evidently everyone else had been staring at their navels, perhaps cruelly slaying the occasional dastardly butterfly or mouse, but generally doing NOTHING!

Teamwork is the key! I am a firm believer that a bash should have a general, and that this general should take her or his duty seriously. Participants, make a point of asking the general what needs doing or what you have done. Magic users, if you wish to curb the constant shouting of "What's left?", you can inform everyone that you will be glad to TELL those who ask if certain mobiles are alive or dead. You could also, every few minutes, WHERE a few major mobile "markers" (watersnakes, vampire, sharks, spider, griffin, etc.) and shout that the Keep still needs doing. (Please only shout this if the Keep actually still needs doing.)

Lastly, DO NOT just stand around doing nothing! Take initiative! Team up! Remember, the reward for successful completion of a mobile bash far outweighs the rather small risk of having to flee from some mobile or other. A little teeny spider is no match for four sorcerers with phials and pointy objects.

Hope this helps,


This month's use for a dead goat!

Use #2: Skin it and sew up your very own cape! You will first need to find a frame upon which to stretch the hide, and perhaps some scented items to make its odour more appealing.

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Page last modified: April 30, 1998